Friday, November 08, 2002 :::
today was a good day...got to say that SW sounded like a girl straight to him on the phone
::: posted by deslucent at 8:11 AM
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
Say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels that make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
I am defo not going to the States with my fucking family. I have put my foot down on all forms of bribery. It aint the case as Liam raised, I am not trying to be difficult or manja. It’s a fact I don’t enjoy myself at all on any trip. And which fuck in their right mind would go on a holiday only to return flustered and frustrated?
Today I turned out all the fucks from behind the computer, a first class city dump we have here. AND YOU KNOW WOT, NO ONE FUCKING GIVES A FUCK.
::: posted by deslucent at 8:10 AM
Something to chew on
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog...
fucking dumb
here's something more enlightening:
Upon others you pour hard judgements
Upon you will hard judgement be meted,
twas then the compassionate lies mercy
fucking blew up today
::: posted by deslucent at 7:51 AM
Wednesday, November 06, 2002 :::
i woke up to a Republican world today. Both houses of American Legislature & the Executive have ceeded to the GOP. Minorities the Democrats are. Sqaundered their Senate majority by appearing at best incongruent on the policy front and at worse as wet blankets obstructing the passage of any Bill. Al Gore is still lost in the wilderness and has a beard to match. The bliss of Clinton years look far, in truth there are few in the party or both sides for the matter to match him. Screw all the clown acts in that circus. I wager that Labour in Britain will get a third term in government.
I am still having mixed feelings towards Jan. Its more than two weeks and I dont know where it will all go from here. When we broke up it was supposed to be clean, no more hanging around each other's necks. The whole idea of still being friends after it all is just too idealsitc. Like all other ideal notions, they remain as fantasy, I dont see siuch arangements ever working out. The friendship after is more often than not awkward, and misdemeanours like each other being overtly protective have a propenstiy of occuring and the breakup process just begins again.
I don't know if it were a concession but she mentioned something like us being friends after this. And I replied that you will just be one of my RJ aquaintances whom I just have interraction with once in a blue moon, save for Shawn but both of us go back a long way. She pointed to the fact that I still kept up with Zihua aka hpdeskjet, and protended we could be like that. I don't know. She was she and the deskjet will awlays be a deskjet. TLK says why not, afterall I still liked her as a person. But like eveerything else its her call again.
We have reached a point of no talking. Its probably the best way to get over it all, I agree after talking to her for about five dayx after it all. I was getting tired of it and she was too. I don't beelive love is a persistent thing or that a work attitude has to be adopted to it. It doesnt need determination/persistence/hard work. All this about chasing girls is bullshite - either you know its her and she knows it you, then its not - inexplicable. Not phrasing this well. Anyway I think this stalematewe of not talking ot each other will last for some time, months perhaps till the new year I wont be surprised or mind.
She seems to take the whole Friday night too seriously perhaps and everything that transpired as tho to be cast in stone. I said something about it all being too premature on both of our parts. But she is adamant that it wont get together ever again. It ain't as though I wasn't giving the respect a breakup requires just as funerals are solemn affairs. Ya but there are things that we do that we will regret in the future and this - I felt then - would be one of them.
However now I have different ideas about it all, and changed my mind very much. I am going to let the whole thing rest, everything is beyond my grasp and control, and so whatever I do really has little bearing on it all. I still have residue hate for never taking anything I say into much consideration.
::: posted by deslucent at 8:12 PM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002 :::
'Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you'
~New Radicals
But not just yet. I too felt the relationship dying in our hands, but everytime I felt it during the week, the weekend would come around, we would go out, and I will be buzzing in my head how I have found myself the right one to be with. It was her charm that always made me burst all thoughts of there being a break up because given the lack of time we had for each other & the problems both of us faced it was inevitable that the relationship took a backseat in our lives after a while. I did tell Siwei that I had resolved not to break up with her unless she cheats on me, which is something very much out of her character, so in actual fact it was as good as saying I will never break up with her absolutely.
Perhaps partially because I spoilt her. I never demanded a lot from her I think, and never was over-protectitve of her, and never expected that everything little thing she does had had to be about me or with me. Afterall the whole thing was a college relationship, no one can expect much or shouldn't expect much from one. Both of us are still leading our own lives & this aint exactly the best time to have made up your mind and plum that your college girlfriend would be the one you want to spend your life with. Always declared that it might not be a good thing marrying your first girlfriend.
In many ways she was the first. The first serious relationship I went through. On looking back secondary school BGRs are largely fair-weather ones - we will meet on the weekends or after school, go for movie, hang out at places, etc, no deep emotions or thoughts exchanged. Just friends. But our rleationship had its ups and downs and it didnt start of smoothly at all. There was the dance night right at the beggining of it all before we even really know how it was going to turn out, I dont know what happened, but we ended up not communicating for ten days. Initally it wasnt just a fair-weathered relationship but as it progressed it disappointingly became to be just a weekend outing. We did share our problems with each other, but somethign big came along on her side and she just ended up being pissed with the whole world, me included, for no better reason and I never did find out nor was I there to help her out of that one, (I think cos she was so piss she resisted my help).
Its painful when someone tells you somethign its their fault but you know you're going to be the one suffering and bearing the brunt of it all. THe main reason why I was so hurt & probably would be emtionally scarred from this is that even on Oct 27th I went to HVSB with the notion that we would sit down, resolve issues and get back together, but it didnt turn out as I meant it to be. She said to call it off because she didnt have enough feelings for me and to continue would be only to deceive both of us. But she sounded all too flippant about it all, as though on my side I was never trying.
I say I spoilt her because I felt that I had to do all the initiating (never believed in the right-wiingness of chilvary) - the calling through the telephone, or to go out. On deed, she never seemed to be involved at all, and all she needed to do was to reciprocrate if I did so, but she couldnt or didnt. TO me its regardless whether its her fault or my fault that it ended, I dont know it all soudns childish, in the end we have a failing relationship, whats the better alternative: walk away from it or to pull it by its teeth again? But all this giving on my part and all her just taking, soon became such that I ceased to be special to her. And once a lover loses that place in your heart, all your feelings for her would be mislaid.
I was angry at fiirst, angry that she bottled all this and never really told me. But this anger lingered, she never really saw things from my perspective.
"I wake up at odd hours.How can you break my heart & expect me to walk out without second thoughts. You treat it all too lightly. I hate you. But I still want you back. Love is blind afterall. During the relationship no matter how much you hurt me I naver turned my back on you but now you have on me. pls be kind to me just this once."
She did become mean, in promising me her heart but within two months just lose it all. Mean in that she never really seemed to care much about me. She got her way too much I guess even when giving too little. She never really saw how I really needed it all in my life. When I left the place, she was still special, for I had no reason to see why not, but to her I was just a friend.
To be continued...
Ðë§|ü©èN·|·
::: posted by deslucent at 7:51 AM
Wheeeee I got high today. I thought I had lost the ability of the innocent to get into a state of loft & light-headedness without the influence of alcohol or drugs, but I did just like rain suddenly pouring forth from the heavens onto the parched desert soil. With Jinwei it was over a game of pool in town. 9-Ball the game that separates the chaft from the wheat (me being the former) and the game of choice between the both of us. It all started with a few mishots, Jinwei doing a 'Yongwei' and mistaking the 5 ball to be the 3, convulated with the 'anything-you-can-do-i-can-do-better' attitude of Shawn, it was just a laughfest. My attempt at English came whereby I fll flat upon my face, then me pocketing the 9 ball on my first open shot of the game after breaking the first ever to happen to me. But what took the cake was Jinwei's failed attempt to curl a shot. He - being Jinwei - went on his trademakr three ball run leaving the 8 and the 9 balls as the sole survivors on the barren table, but somehow in the most soddish of ways, he snooked himself in the shadow of the 9. I gave him a smug look and he returned it with a cynical grin, the grin that set out to prove all doubts wrong. Raising the pool cue into the air he prodded the ball in a masterly stroke - only to have it roll home straight into the gaping jaws of the pocked *uncontrollable laughter errupted...almost cried*
::: posted by deslucent at 6:18 AM
Monday, November 04, 2002 :::
Will continue about the breakup sometime when I feel ready to write
=(
::: posted by deslucent at 8:28 AM
The thing about breaking up is that you are left with a gaping hole in your social life. The old analogy of a tree falling in a dense tropical rainforest would leave a gaping hole. A hole open for opportunity for the young to replace their old, yet a hole leaves the land prone to erosion and vunerable to the elements. Plugging the cavity up slowly, the 'rebound' ZIhua calls it. Getting to know some people better, going out with Quek/Tim once again, doing the locomotion (haha the song I am playing now), keeping a blogger~
Today I renewed ties with an old aquaintance - faerydust. Thought it was mean of me to seek her only in bad times, but we were once very close when we were both fourteen. A frienship cut short by an unforseen & unfortunate turn of events. It struck me why have I yet to see her / talk to her up close in real, perhaps it was all the initial paranoia about meeting strangers on the net, or that it had to do with me being shy, being caught up with other things, losing interest in meeting RG geppers & other girls, or me going off doing my own things in a clique - and a close one that is.
Sometimes you dont see real friends even when they have been stark sitting in front of your nose. Its the way we are (cliche concept I admit) but its hard to see our nose without the aid of a looking glass. But even though we have never met in person, she has been and always is there for me (a bloody phrase thats rolling off my tongue too often lately). I think it was largely because of her that I got upset at being banned from the comp. (For the record the ban did work but didnt work wonders).
Hope we can continue from where we left off. Its true adversity can bring people togetherm strengthen bonds and renew ties.
Give me a few genuine friends but save me the prospect of knowing everyone but not knowing anyone.
But I still don't give myself to anyone that comes my way & hope it would still be - getting into relationship for the right reasons and not to plug that gaping hole.
::: posted by deslucent at 8:26 AM
"How's It Going To Be"
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore,
Before you take a swing, I wonder What are we fighting for,
When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder,
Is there anything I'm going to miss,
How's it going to be, When you don't know me,
How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there,
How's it going to be, When there is no one there to talk to about,
How it's going to be, 'Cause I don't care,
How's it going to be,
Where we used to laugh, There's a shouting match,
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
A silence I can't ignore,
Like . . The hammocks and the doorways we spent time in, Swing empty,
don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me,
I guess that is how it's going to be
How's it going to be
When you don't know me, any more
How's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again,
The soft dive of oblivion.
Want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion
Third Eye Blind
::: posted by deslucent at 4:15 AM
I am utterly pleased by the cordial service at Kinokuniya in town. Yea its a fact that I have long switched allegiance from the casual & trendy borders to the more regimental Japanese owned one. Bookstores aint places for people to come in and browse books and fuck the pages worse than the dog ears on my textbooks. They are places for people to browse & purchase.
Ya Borders approach is great for customers in giving all a freehand in taking a look see before buying, but the same for Kino. Its not just the policty of the brains behind the whole set up, its the crowd of people who flock there. Perhaps Kino patrons are more considerate by nature. BUT most likely I think its the different staff attitude towards the whole service business of selling books.
Generally, Borders crew adopt a more casual and approachable front whiel Kino staff are terribly prim and meticulous. But that's what is important when cataloguing, shelving, packing, arranging whole series and varse titles of books by a whole coterie of authors. Its this meticulous that there is more care for book, better layout of books. But ya it all boils down to preferences, aint goign to force any of this down your throat.
Ya what happened today was that, being a Public Holiday (Deepavali), the store was a frentic bazaar floor. The crowd was stifling and the noise of the crowd was immense in confined corridors among shelves. After paying I opted to get my books jacketed in plastic sheeting, and yea brilliant service given. Despite the staff lady being frentic and her nerves fangled, she wrapped them up with the efficency of a woodchuck, cleaning some grim off one book with an alcohol solution and finally telling me with a smile 'Thank you for waiting sir', not at all not at all. Well done...left with my big grin on my face.
::: posted by deslucent at 4:09 AM
I hate this. Why are there so many providers of this. Shawn uses dairyland. And I have posted a few over there.
But blogger looks good. I aint proficient in HTML you see and blogger does it quite automatically.
So lets see where I end up.
Here. This is it. No more fiddling around with user names & passwords.
I hope this works.
DECLARATION: all the previous postings were transferred from my journal (now defunct) at
deslucent.diaryland.com
and I would permanenty be based here at
deslucient.blogspot.com
Shit these computer nonsense.
The i strategically placed to keep god-knows-who from stumbling on this by chance
::: posted by deslucent at 3:54 AM
Tumbling out of bed down the rabbit hole, I found myself in church - the one that Shawn and Samuel go to, Mt Carmel - with Zihua, Plaid surmon, the pastor being a bulwark of conservatism, went on to decry the pervalence of premaritial sex - 'twenty-first century values', 'Hollywood principles', the banality slips under your finger nails. The reading came out from Songs of Solomon, well how he did distort the lovers prose into a convenient moral lesson, aptly leaving out the end about letting Him enter his garden of fruit.
Yesterday was one of the best Darren Quek outings I had. It cant equal to the Timothy Khoo losing-wallet-on-bus incident, yea but it was spontaniety at its finest.
After catching some gigs by a slew of local wannabe bands, most of which had the fashion sense of a cucumber and the appeal of a zuccini in the cold, we stumbled upon a pack of ciggs convientily placed inside at the bus stop. An omen I said. He took the lighter (how could the pyromaniac resists the opportunity) and I took a cig (ditto).
Upon changing bus at Stevens we hatta walk around the junction to Bt Timah Rd. He was grinning from year to year. While others are offered, seduced by luck and tempted by heaven we were.
He lit it and took a good puff like a pro, naively ignoring my concerns of it being tainted with a foreign substance like morphine (haha incredulous). And blew it out like a pro. A strong fragrance emanted from within him and puncutated the cool humid evening air.
Remarking positively he did it again and gave it to me. 'But I have asthma' and he stubbed it out. I was laughing so hard that even I had a go at it I probably would have choked on the filter.
And he threw it amongst the brambles. Eschewing upon the vices of cigarrette smoking as a pungent aftertaste lingerd in his oral cavity. Reminiscing the good old carefree days of primary school...there was this autistic chap by the name of Roger. A natural linguist, but a persistent attention speaker. On an excursion to the Bird Park, we were milling around a cafeteria after a day of touring. Those days the local attractions were of certain interest to the hordes of Japanese tourists that flocked to this tropical island, bringing along their die-hard addiction of smoking. It was thus that there was a public rubbishbin whose top was stashed full with cigarette buds. Now along came Roger and left to his devices, he found an unfinished and still smouldering cigarette. Without hesitation, he gamely took it and started puffing away, at 9 he's probably the first peer I know who started the habbit and did he make the act look good. With the panache of Fidel and the suaveness of Bill Clinton, he sent out puffs of smoke heavenward. I was terribly amused, evidently having to be able to recall the whole incident with such vividity some ten years down the road. The last I heard he's enrolled into some speacial school for them in the States.
::: posted by deslucent at 3:16 AM
I am spent. It was never meant to be, what a trite statement. But thats I have been offered are hackneyed comments that slaps a flat label on vicssitudes of love that I have rode upon. Bygones...sweet bygones perhaps but why the painful scar or the throbbing emotional hangover?
'I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all'
Bingeing upon the cup of love. Love the drug and the dellusion it induced. As its effects taper, the dream is shrolled into a bottle & tossed into the ocean of the mind. An utter fool I have been, chasing the dragon with the opium of love.
Crippled I am without it, the absence of it freezes my blood in their veins, with trembling hands I beg for more, in a way that Oliver Twist would be proud of, another serving of depravity, another round of loneliness.
'I hate myself for loving you'
Its been a week since the world crashed around me. Sitting on the veranda of HVSB, gazing out at the carefree swaying of branches in the night, above the fray they are, above the swirling of cars in the parking lot and above the turmoil on the balcony.
SB was always her home ground and I was always the visitor there. The taste of java never suited my palate, and my head disagreed literally.
Omnimous started the ball rolling, it has had been a trying week for both of us. And this wasnt the time for any casual banter. Well the gravity of the situation was obvious, afterall I did have fourteen missed calls, but no answer to any, neither to the questions that have welled up within me.
The last she ever called me is out of my memory, and I dont really think I am that defficient in grey cells, tho fool I have been. And thats what started it all, the trigger of the gun thrusted upon my heart.
"You don't really love me, do you"
Questions of why abounded, Monday morning isnt the most opportune of times, neither was that Monday.
"You sometimes take me for granted"
A watered down of the earlier, as parliament debates the claus of the bill. And it was passed, by a wafer thin majoirty.
It was my first outburst of any sort to her, but it was what I wanted to say all this while, as even I felt that it was a floundering relationship that needed ammends. Coming from that view I was insistent that it would be a mere blip in the long term of our bond.
How naive I sound now to myself. It digged deeper, unearthing a leaden weight that has always held us back.
She had lost feeling for me and could not sustain it all. Persisting would only be a deception of feelings, misplaced love, and contrived emotions. A can of worms stinks and it hurt.
It hurt, why didnt she tell me ever? Was I that adverse to the truth? Why did she become disinterested, regardless of whose fault it was, I was shattered and anger percolated through me. Her blaming of herself just got so deft, deft that the whole relationship was a drain, a drain where feelings only flowed one way. Love a fountain? Quixotic notion it will always be.
She says she was trying, and deviated away from her curt norm as I was special. A speical friend. Opposing feelings she faced too.
::: posted by deslucent at 3:13 AM
